To whomever cares… I know you’re out there- somewhere.
You don’t have to answer this. I just need to vent. The pressures of chasing after something that might not happen are extremely difficult. Especially when you are haunted by the feeling that the thing that may not happen is your soul purpose in life.
Sometimes, I feel like you’re the only one I can reach that can help make sense of the shit that goes through my head. I know everything doesn’t have to make sense, but most days making sense of senselessness is the only sensation that can help to numb the pain.
I feel lost, Man… I hurt. The days where I feel like I have NOTHING left are becoming too frequent. I’m probably at the lowest point in my life and the only thing that makes me doubt that harsh reality is the fact that every time I think I have hit rock bottom, I sink even lower. My love life is shit. I’m broke. Lonely. And growing impatient. Everyone I care about thinks I’m living in a fantasy world, or suffering through some sort of phase, or midlife crisis. Many days it seems as if the main people I want love from the most can only return the love I show with words. They say that sometimes you love a person in a language they don’t understand, but there are libraries of books with more viable translations than Rosetta Stone has yet to even catch up with. What language do I study to convince the people I love that they don’t have to be ashamed of me, and the sacrifices I have made was not only for my self, but also a desperate attempt to gain their affection?
Lately, I have been brought down to the point where I can’t even get shit done because I’m too afraid of results that may not even come. All that said, I can’t find the strength to let go. They think I’m crazy, the bill collectors are calling, and my kids are wondering why we haven’t been to see Mickey Mouse. I turn to you because I know you’ve been here. Everyone who has ever accomplished anything great can vouch for my current dilemma, but these days, I’m starting to think that maybe they were just the lucky ones.
This state right here… is man-made. It has to be. Honestly, there have been many times where I’ve felt like the only way to leave it- is to leave it.
As a result of this lonely train of though, the drive to become successful has been on a bitter road. Most days I feel like stepping on the gas and veering off into a ditch at full speed. I won’t, but it’s a miserable feeling to wonder how many people would care if I did. There will probably be 1,001 people crying at my funeral, but I don’t have the confidence to not wonder how many of their tears would be genuine. I’m ready to just quit. Get a meaningless job in a mediocre house and a mediocre car just to please mediocre minded people.
These are the cards I’ve dealt for myself, and there are no more left in the deck. No more tunnel vision. I’m ready to join the living dead and forfeit my desires to a more safer lifestyle. I’m ready to submit to my fears as everyone around me would love to see me do because I feel that even if I get where I’m trying to go, I’ll be there by my lonesome. What good are all the legendary accolades that come with staying strong, if I don’t have the people I love around to enjoy them with. Now I truly understand what it means, when successful people talk about how lonely it is at the top.
With my luck, if I do decide to quit, it will be a few inches short of the goals I’ve lusted for my entire life. Then I’ll have to live with the pain of wondering how good things might have been had I not stopped. Tug of war is a game that is only played by the strong, and I’ve grabbed the rope with a pair of bleeding hands that were already scarred from giving up on so many other dreams for the same reasons. I jumped in line with no gloves, and no practice because I believed in myself more than I probably should have.
Motivational speakers, preachers, life coaches, and philosophers should begin their speeches by saying, “Follow your dreams- unless you’ve already started on another path because the transition can sometimes be too much for mankind”.
Caterpillars go through a lot of pain before they turn into a butterfly, but they have the luxury to do it boldly because they will never have to hear the overwhelming statistics about how they can get stuck in their cocoons until Man feels he is not directly affected by their (the caterpillars) swathes.
I wouldn’t recommend this journey to anyone who has never had a single stroke of luck- of any kind. If you do, prepare to lose the battle of keeping those you hold dear in the process. Prepare to form new bonds. Today, I have made a horrible discovery of the main reason so many people get big, and leave everything and everyone behind… Other people.